With Major League Baseball in the midst of a lockout, the lack of players around the grounds makes for an excellent opportunity for contractors and tradesmen to make the game more interesting when it returns. Here are 10 ways we’d make baseball better with a trade-focused approach.
Making Baseball Better With Stadium Renovations
#10 Move That Wall!
Can we please ask the Yankees to play on a major league size field? Standard flyouts in most stadiums pad the stats in New York’s Yankee Stadium. That right field porch barely challenges most local T-ball teams!
Solution: Grab Rob Robillard and the Concord Carpenter remodeling crew to move those walls back where they belong.
#9 Stop Playing Baseball on a Football Field
We realize that real estate in California is ridiculously expensive, but surely the Oakland Athletics can afford to build a baseball-only stadium and reduce that foul territory a bit. Or maybe they want to take a hint from the Raiders and just get the heck out of dodge.
Solution: Check the sabermetrics and let the computer tell you what to do.
#8 Protect Your Phillies
Philly has some of the most… passionate… fans in the game. Asking them to behave themselves by not throwing beer and batteries seems to be unreasonable, so we have a better solution—plexiglass. Wanna throw that milkshake because you’re mad? Go right ahead. You’ll just have to deal with the people whose view you just blocked, and that’ll be entertaining for the rest of us.
Solution: Encase the entire field, including the top, with plexiglass. A little acrylic cement with enough panels = problem solved.
#7 An Apple a Day Keeps the Fans Away
As it turns out, the Mets still play baseball (technically). That in itself is an achievement. The big red apple that rises up with every home run… it’s a feature only a Mets fan could love.
Solution: Let an oil and gas crew cap that apple well.
#6 Take a Can Opener to the Trop
The Tampa Bay Rays put together a great team on a budget, but they’re the biggest contradiction in the game. Yes, I realize that “Rays” refers to the aquatic animal, but the irony that they play in a dome doesn’t escape us. Y’all play in the Sunshine State, so stop playing where the sun don’t shine! Also, y’all might want to think about actually playing in Tampa.
Solution: Grab a Milwaukee M18 Fuel Super Sawzall and a couple of Torch Nitrous Carbide blades to cut the roof off.
#5 Call the Plumber
Just in case the Oakland Athletics’ computers tell them to stay put, they could at least put in a call to the plumber. Following a rather embarrassing sewage incident, we’re pretty sure both players and fans are tired of putting up with all the crap. While it’s been a few years since the last evacuation, it wouldn’t hurt to clear the plumbing more frequently.
Solution: Milwaukee’s MX Fuel Sewer Drum Machine and its PowerTredz can help the plumbing crew handle the entire stadium with ease.
#4 Move the Tigers’ Stadium Anywhere Else
We already have the ability to pick and move houses. Let’s upsize that and do Tigers fans a favor by getting the stadium out of Detroit. Someplace nicer, like the middle of the desert or maybe Siberia.
Solution: I have some oceanfront property available in Arizona they could build on.
#3 Turn the Green Monster Into Swiss Cheese
Potential line-drive home runs to left field don’t happen in Boston’s Fenway Park. Games would be far more interesting if we punch some holes in the Green Monster and give hitters a shot.
Solution: A Hilti core drill and a variety of bit sizes up to 20 inches will do just fine.
#2 House Swap
Real estate prices have skyrocketed and the Miami Marlins can take advantage by downsizing. With the lowest average attendance in the league, it’s time to start thinking minimalist.
Solution: Since the MLS team Inter Miami CF has roughly 75% higher attendance at their home matches, we suggest a straight stadium swap.
#1 Soundproof Houston
Since cheaters actually do prosper in Major League Baseball under the current rules and the MLBPA is against requiring earplugs as part of the standard uniform, deadening sound in Houston is the next best way to get back to fair play.
Solution: Soundproof Houston’s dugout and tunnels. Oh, and take the trash cans out while you’re at it.
Have any other suggestions to improve major league baseball while the lockout is going on? Let us know in the comments below!
